“We Live, We Live TO ROCK!”

A family is happily going about their business on what we can only assume is a typical morning, Mom preparing eggs, Dad shaving, and the young boy doing whatever it is that young boys do. The wife calls to the husband that breakfast is almost ready, but is then faced with some kind of monster and (before we have any idea what has taken place) the scene shifts to the Dad looking worried and heading downstairs. What’s that? Something weird in the oven? Well, let’s just see what…..GAHHHH! Scary bug-eyed monster attacking! Child screaming! So begins ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE………. 

Ten years later, Jon Triton (Jon-Mikl Thor, baby!) and his band Triton are heading to that very same house to pound out “ten minutes worth” of decent music to give their label before their advance is yanked out from under them (funny, I always thought that happened after your album tanked i.e. Goo Goo Dolls before the MOR crossover). What better location than a lovely farm house with a full studio in the barn and a piano-shaped bed?  Demons non-withstanding, of course. What a freakish entourage they are, too: body-builder/frontman/visionary Jon, his lovely girlfriend Randy (Teresa Simpson), bassist Roger (Frank Dietz), his blushing bride Mary (Liane Abel, Dietz’s actual wife), milquetoast axe-man Max (David Lane), hot-to-trot keyboardist Dee Dee (Denise Dicandia), total moron drummer Stig (Jim Cirile), his uberbitch gal Lou Anne (Jillian Peri), and finally, “wonder-manager” Phil (“It’s a wonder he’s our manager”, quips a band-member wittily), played by Adam Fried, who somehow managed to not get a listing in the end crawl. But I digress……….. 

So, work they do, and before you know it, Triton is blasting out one of their sure-fire hits, “We Live To Rock”. A rousing number it is, too, giving Jon Triton/Thor plenty of room to strut his stuff, and boy does he. Unfortunately, it’s two steps forward and three steps back for this unlucky crew, as the house demons start to get restless and do a little flexing of their own. One by one, the crew is taken out, either by possession, destruction, or both. But not before a little ficky-ficky for all the band members, culminating in a loooooooooong shower scene between Jon and his lady. Fairly revealing it is too, as you get to see just about everything short of “Thor’s Hammer”! Of  course by this time Triton is as good as over, and Jonny boy has to take matters in his own meaty paws, leading to a climax that the viewer will simply not believe, and I’ll leave it at that. 

ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE (on-screen title: EDGE OF HELL) is, traditionally speaking, pretty damn awful: there are problems with lighting, sound effects, make-up effects, continuity, acting, you name it, it could well be termed a disaster. Could be. But it isn’t. Why not? What raises it above any other impoverished late 80’s schlockfest headed straight for Rhonda Shearer and USA’s UP ALL NIGHT weekend movie program? Let’s take a closer look…… 

Originally conceived as a bet (yep, just like Roger Corman’s THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS, 1960) between investors that one couldn’t get a saleable movie made in ten days for $100,000, things got even more interesting when the first production company that was offered the deal flat-out refused. First-time director John Fasano stepped in and claimed he could get it done for half of that sum (he brought it in at $53.000), and a deal was struck. Enlisting his new pal Jon-Mikl Thor (they had just appeared together in ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE with Adam West and a young Tia Carerre) to write, act in, and score the picture, he set about hiring every childhood friend, relatvive , and cheap-working crew-person that he could find, and set off to the hinterlands of Markham, Ontario to bust this thing out. 

What emerges is a film that brims with enthusiasm and fun, with the viewer truly getting a sense of these individuals trying out everything: “Hey, I like slasher movies, why don’t we put a group of people in an isolated house and bump ‘em off?” Ok! “Better yet, they should be a ROCK BAND!” Yep, even better! “Y’know, movies like GREMLINS, CRITTERS, and GHOULIES are big , how about a bunch of cool-lookin’ hand puppets?” And so on…..But, truly, the thing that makes ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE so much fun, and what makes it hold up so well, is the one and only Jon-Mikl Thor. The guy has an undeniable charisma, (if not the greatest acting chops in the world) that had been honed in a performing career that at that time had already spanned some fifteen or so years. Body-builder, rock singer, innovator of Viking Rock fashion, and film actor, this guy had already carved himself a one-man genre: THOR (for more detailed info regarding this powerhouse, please consult Ian Jane’s review of AN-THOR-OLOGY). What he brings to the film is a tangible sense of joy and determination: there was just no way that this thing would not get done, plus there’s his distinctive Vancouver B.C. accent. Larger than life, yet down-to-earth, there’s just no way you can’t like him instantly. Whether he’s belting out his personal brand of anthem (“Energy” and “We Accept The Challenge” are two more fist-pumpers featured on the soundtrack), or kicking some demon ass, he is a true shining star. 

Like it or lump it. 

In fact, that pretty much sums up how I feel about ROCK’N’ROLL NIGHTMARE.